“Divine witnessing is the most powerful form of of non-violence because it heals the very source of violence. It turns your enemies to friends, even when you thought they were deplorable and wrong.”

The above quote is from a video a friend of mine shared earlier. It is an inspirational clip by The Wayseers encouraging you to look for the good in others, for that allows more good to come forth in them and yourself. There is much truth in this, and now, more than ever, when there is so much turmoil and upset in the world we need to remember this. It is not always easy to do in the face of fear, hate and anger, but it can be done with practice. I think that the best way to practice is through your own experiences of hurt so that you may begin to heal inside and in turn spread that healing outward. When you are not always in a place in the moment to find the light, you can come back to it later, when you are in a place you may be able to look at things differently.

I want to share a small story about my own personal healing. I know that we all have stories, and pain we have lived through, but sometimes by sharing we are able to connect more and understand each other more. I have some deep pain from my past I think I need to heal so that I can move forward in more positive and open relationship with future friends/lovers/partners. It is my hope, that by sharing some of my own experiences and paths to healing that it may help others with their own. We are all on a lifelong journey of growth and change, whether we acknowledge it or not, so why not grow together in support:)

So I was hanging out with a friend the other day, and we were just talking about being parents and our relationship with our kids. Now, I have done a lot of work on healing around the pain of my past, but every now and then I may be in a mood, or something is said that triggers some pain. Apparently, for whatever reason, this was one of those times and I ended up blurting out one of my pains, something like this:
“When I was in the hospital, after giving birth to my son, I didn’t even have a ride home because my husband wouldn’t pick up the phone…he was in a crack-coma from going on a binge the previous day.”
Boom. An immediate bomb of silence, sadness, heaviness was dropped. I had immediately with that one statement turned myself into a victim, brought up anger, resentment, pain that enveloped the whole room. So I felt it for a moment…it was horrible. I felt so yucky. I was able to let it go and move on to other subjects/change the mood…but that moment sort of lingered in my mind.

Fast forward to today. After watching that video, I was immediately brought back to that moment of pain….but instead of my pain, I chose to look at my ex-husbands. I realized how awful he must have felt that day he couldn’t even get out of bed to pick me up. I started to look at the good things about him…he has a beautiful soul and means well. He started selling crack because he wanted to make a better life for me and our son. He didn’t see any way to make that happen by working a $10/hr job that he could barely keep because of his lack of confidence/skills and the prevailing white privilege around him that he noticed so deeply that seemed to keep him down. He never wanted to do the drugs he sold…but sometimes a client won’t buy unless you try it with them, to show it’s good. After the cops busted him and took everything away from him…including the ability to even get a $10/hr job due to the felony now on his record, it is understandable that he might turn to the momentary solace and feeling of not really being present in this crazy world that the drugs gave him. He wanted to provide for his family, but couldn’t….the system broke him…and he is still very much broken, though he tries to stand up sometimes…he calls his kids here and there, he tells them he loves them. This is all he can do right now with who and where he’s at, and I get that.

After looking at the story like this, I felt a deep love for my son’s father. I felt forgiveness, and a wave of peace washed over me. The hate, the blame, the victim mentality…all dissipated in the face of just feeling pure sympathy, empathy, and love for this human being that is struggling just like the rest of us. I may not always feel this sense of forgiveness or peace…therein lies the practice part…but I know the more I can train myself to look at things in this way, the better I will be looking at what’s to come, and can send out more love and healing through my actions and intent, and hopefully this will lead me to seeing the good in all others, for it is there:) My hope is that by sharing my own healing, it may lead others to do the same. We are in this together, and together we can change for the better.